On the first day of my new job I sat next to a total asshole during the orientation.
I was doing my best to make a good impression. You know, show up on time, sit up front and ask good questions. I wanted them to know on day one it was the right decision to hire me.
In the beginning things were going pretty well, learning about all the great products and wonderful benefits the company has to offer. But then this stiff looking douche walked in, already making a fuss about something stupid, and of course sits down right next to me.
I did my best to keep focused despite this wannabe corporate nightmare sitting to my left. And what I mean by this is the way he talked, using generic phrases like “and with that said” or “at the end of the day…”. Also the way he dressed, in his striped button up from the Gap and ridiculous skinny khakis. Hell, even the way he breathed was corporate, if that’s even possible . I don’t think I ever loathed a stranger the way I loathed this ass-hat.
The worst thing, I was going to be working directly with him in the same department. We even shared a cubicle wall! I knew It wouldn’t be long before I’d have to actually communicate with this moron. Ugh! Right as I began to question if I made the right decision to take this job our Human Resources lady started diving into her PowerPoint.
It was a mundane topic about family insurance coverage. One that could put the most studious employee right to sleep. I couldn’t tell you why but for some reason her presentation began to bring me some much needed comfort. I listened intently, feeling a comfort with each word the HR lady uttered about dead spouses and would be beneficiaries. Her tone on the topic made me lighthearted. Maybe this job wouldn’t be so bad after all, I thought.
That first week started out OK. The job itself was easy and personalizing my little space was fun however felt like it was missing something. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I kept rearranging things but nothing seemed right. Maybe it was because of Mr Incorporated now fully moved in to the cubicle on my left with his corporate lingo spewing in all directions.
“If you have the bandwidth”, “let’s talk road map”, fucking Christ why couldn’t this guy just be normal?! The thought of having to endure this on a daily basis made me throw up in my mouth. There was just a thin layer of cubicle between us. Oh how I wished it was an entire office. Shit, how about an entire world? Better yet how about another fucking dimension?!
My hope was that this job wouldn’t be like the last one, which by the way, was full of corporate barf bags too. It’s why I left it in the first place. Everything was great about this place except for the nightmare in the cubicle next door. I figured it best to just settle in and settle down. Sometimes things just work themselves out…
One day he didn’t show up to work. Then the next day, and then another. A few weeks went by and he was a total no show. I came in one morning to the janitor cleaning out his cubicle. ‘That was quick‘ I chuckled to myself.
And then the rumors started. Typical water cooler talk, but this time with a darker tone. It appeared that Corporate Joe was murdered. But not just murdered, he was mutilated. They said his wife, at his funeral, just stared into oblivion in total shock. That’s what happens I guess when you decide to spend the rest of your life with Mr. Spreadsheet. Mr. PowerPoint. Mr ‘I was mutilated so baldly they found my balls in the cat box’. I actually feel a little sorry for his wife, but hey, she’s getting a butt load of money from the company’s Death and Dismemberment plan the HR lady spoke about.
As for me, I finally found the right balance to my cubicles’ Feng Shui. And no, it’s not because Mr Keynote is finally gone. It’s because of his larynx that I have in a small jar buried deep inside my bottom drawer.